Open Letter to Gabriel

Gabriel, my little boy,

My purpose for this blog started off as a way to keep our family and friends in the US updated throughout my pregnancy; I hate writing emails. But it turned into so much more for me personally. It has given me a chance to vent, to reach out to other moms, and to put into writing feelings that I have had a hard time expressing verbally. It is my version of a baby book for you, Gabe, and I am going to have it printed every year into a little hardback.

Once you are old enough to read this, you will realize that I have not been secretive of my rollercoaster of emotions over the past 9 months. In a way, I am still in shock. I still wake up to my belly moving and have to remind myself that there is a baby in there. I have passed months of what I now think could be characterized as pregnancy depression where I wasn't always feeling the same things I heard other expectant moms feeling, and subsequently went through feelings of guilt and inadequacy instead. I had very weak moments where I questioned my life, my decision to stay in Italy and have a bi-cultural family, my role as a mother and wife, and my purpose in life in general. My honesty with it to you may be questioned by other people, but I am only able to be honest about it because of the way I feel now.

I cannot wait to meet you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms, to be your mother, to have a stupid job where my 70,000 dollar masters degree means nothing, just so I can get out early and take you to soccer (or dance!) practice. My feelings have come completely full circle: whereas I once felt scared and depressed and lost and stuck, I now feel so expectant and so blessed and so excited. You are my purpose in life. And I realize it's ok to feel reluctant when big changes are happening, it's human, and probrably more women feel the same things I felt than are willing to admit, but the point is, after feeling that, I now am able to cherish these last few weeks with you in my belly so much more. I know also that the love I feel right now for you, will only grow stronger once I see your sweet face and chubby legs. I so look forward to falling in love with you all over again.

I promise to be as loving and understanding and supportive as my parents have been my whole life for me. I promise to kiss you every night before bed and tell you I love you at least once a day, and never to go to bed mad at you. I promise to support your dreams and activities as you grow and to teach you how to treat people. I promise to always love you and be there for you. I promise that you will have a wonderful father, as he is already a wonderful husband.

And, perhaps above all, I promise to always be honest with you.

Love,
Mom