For the past 3 nights I have had dreams of my baby. All are very detailed and each one deals with breast feeding. Specifically, forgetting to breastfeed my baby, leaving him with someone else and then remembering, rushing back to feed him but I can't find him and I wake up never having found him to ease his hunger. Only once did I successfully feed him. My whole life, my dreams have been very intense and detailed and often the feelings I have in them stay with me all day. I feel this sadness the rest of the morning that I wasn't able to meet my baby's needs.
What do these dreams mean? Is my baby telling me he doesn't trust me? Is he telling me to get more calcium? I am taking supplements and drinking at least a glass a day! I wish that dream reading was an exact science...
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
30 weeks and so emotional
We are finally 30 weeks pregnant! I feel like I have been waiting for this milestone for forever. On the one hand I am so excited to meet our son, but on the other I just feel like I don't know what in the hell I am doing and I need to vent. How did my life change so much in 4 years? I met Gian, got engaged, got married (twice), bought a house, and got pregnant on the honeymoon. All happy changes, but still major life changes! The fact that Italy has become my home, and that I will forever live far from my family and best friends, has just recently been absorbed into my head. It all feels much more final, now. I mean, I always knew it was final, but the repercussions of it have just hit home. My dad had a heart attack a few weeks ago, and not being able to be there brought on guilt, insecurity and fear.
I think my feelings towards major life changes are further compounded by my utter sense of helplessness. Up until now, I have been swimming 500 metres a few times a week at the pool or in the sea, been capable of doing the laundry, dishes, food shopping, etc. But now, every little chore is a major stress on my body. I am so tired, my back is worn out, my legs hurt if I walk more than 20 minutes, I can't stand up for more than a couple of minutes, I need sturdy chairs with good backs at restaurants (which is not always a given in Italy!). Just doing the laundry, I need Gian's help because I can't bend over and pick up the clothes from the machine. And then I feel like this horrible, nagging wife because from the moment Gian walks in the door from his 10-hour work day, I am asking for help in some way to finish some banal task. He does everything with grace, but I know he is tired, too. He is the bread winner in the family and works so hard. I will be fine and happy and then all of my frustration will come to the surface and I take it out on Gian. Then I go through the guilt process of being mean and maybe a bit hurtful to Gian, a very patient and loving husband. It's a constant cycle.
This stresses me out even further when I fast forward 3-4 months and we have a newborn, we are both sleep deprived, and are completely lost in the delicacy and newness of having a very fragile human life in our responsibility! This is huge. Having a baby is a big deal! And to make matters worse, neither of us have family close by to help (although my mom is coming for 2 months in November). I just keep telling myself that all these fears are normal and bithcyness is caused by hormones (I keep telling Gian this, too) and hope that once I see my baby everything will click and fall into place. It does right? Am I a bad mother already?
I think my feelings towards major life changes are further compounded by my utter sense of helplessness. Up until now, I have been swimming 500 metres a few times a week at the pool or in the sea, been capable of doing the laundry, dishes, food shopping, etc. But now, every little chore is a major stress on my body. I am so tired, my back is worn out, my legs hurt if I walk more than 20 minutes, I can't stand up for more than a couple of minutes, I need sturdy chairs with good backs at restaurants (which is not always a given in Italy!). Just doing the laundry, I need Gian's help because I can't bend over and pick up the clothes from the machine. And then I feel like this horrible, nagging wife because from the moment Gian walks in the door from his 10-hour work day, I am asking for help in some way to finish some banal task. He does everything with grace, but I know he is tired, too. He is the bread winner in the family and works so hard. I will be fine and happy and then all of my frustration will come to the surface and I take it out on Gian. Then I go through the guilt process of being mean and maybe a bit hurtful to Gian, a very patient and loving husband. It's a constant cycle.
This stresses me out even further when I fast forward 3-4 months and we have a newborn, we are both sleep deprived, and are completely lost in the delicacy and newness of having a very fragile human life in our responsibility! This is huge. Having a baby is a big deal! And to make matters worse, neither of us have family close by to help (although my mom is coming for 2 months in November). I just keep telling myself that all these fears are normal and bithcyness is caused by hormones (I keep telling Gian this, too) and hope that once I see my baby everything will click and fall into place. It does right? Am I a bad mother already?
Thursday, August 26, 2010
We picked a name
Gabriel Michael Briulotta! Michael after my dad. He has a lot to live up to!
In Italian, Gabriel is pronounced GAH-briel (like lady GAH-GAH).
We love it!
In Italian, Gabriel is pronounced GAH-briel (like lady GAH-GAH).
We love it!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
To epidural or not to epidural?
My decision on choosing whether or not to use an epidural has nothing to do with the pros and cons of being organic and having a totally natural birth. I know that women have been having natural drug-free births for kazillions of years, but I think medical technology is where it is for a reason. Our grandmothers never had sonograms, found out the sex, or knew whether or not there were any major medical problems with their babies until birth, but we still go for monthly checkups and link our bellies up to technological devices each time, right? Plus, why suffer? I am in awe of women who do have natural births, especially at home, but it's just not for me.
However, I am actually leaning very closely towards NOT having an epidural for one reason and one reason only: I am terrified of having a c-section. I don't want to cut open my stomach, stretch my already lacking abdominal wall, and have to recover from the surgery. Plus, did you know that when the baby passes through the birth canal, it hits a gland which sends a signal to the brain to start producing the hormone which produces milk. Women who have c-sections skip this step and have a harder time breastfeeding because of it. I am so looking forward to breastfeeding and really don't want to miss out on it.
I know that epidurals have not been scientifically linked to an increase in c-sections, but I just have this fear that my muscles won't work, the labor will be slowed down, and I will have to be forced into a C-section.
Moreover, c-sections rates are high in Italy. It's a very controversial subject, but many say (including my mother-in-law who is an obstetrician in the maternity ward at a major university-hospital) that the high rates are due to over-crowding in the hospitals (and thus a slowed labor would not work in your favor) and the fact that since this is a free health care system, doctors don't get paid extra for a normal delivery, but they do get an extra stipend for a surgery.
I only want to have a c-section if I or my baby is at risk and it is deemed necessary. Also, epidurals can slow heart rate of both mom and baby, leading to a c-section for safety reasons.
What do you moms out there think? Did you have an epidural? Regrets? Is natural birth really really terrible? I keep waiting for someone to tell me it was easier than they expected, but no one ever does. My friend Tasha who is tuff as nails had a natural home birth and she says it was way, way more painful than she expected. I am so scared!
However, I am actually leaning very closely towards NOT having an epidural for one reason and one reason only: I am terrified of having a c-section. I don't want to cut open my stomach, stretch my already lacking abdominal wall, and have to recover from the surgery. Plus, did you know that when the baby passes through the birth canal, it hits a gland which sends a signal to the brain to start producing the hormone which produces milk. Women who have c-sections skip this step and have a harder time breastfeeding because of it. I am so looking forward to breastfeeding and really don't want to miss out on it.
I know that epidurals have not been scientifically linked to an increase in c-sections, but I just have this fear that my muscles won't work, the labor will be slowed down, and I will have to be forced into a C-section.
Moreover, c-sections rates are high in Italy. It's a very controversial subject, but many say (including my mother-in-law who is an obstetrician in the maternity ward at a major university-hospital) that the high rates are due to over-crowding in the hospitals (and thus a slowed labor would not work in your favor) and the fact that since this is a free health care system, doctors don't get paid extra for a normal delivery, but they do get an extra stipend for a surgery.
I only want to have a c-section if I or my baby is at risk and it is deemed necessary. Also, epidurals can slow heart rate of both mom and baby, leading to a c-section for safety reasons.
What do you moms out there think? Did you have an epidural? Regrets? Is natural birth really really terrible? I keep waiting for someone to tell me it was easier than they expected, but no one ever does. My friend Tasha who is tuff as nails had a natural home birth and she says it was way, way more painful than she expected. I am so scared!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Sun, sea, and salentini
Vacation was so relaxing and just lovely and warm and salty and coco-buttery. I have lots to blog about, but for now I leave you with a few pictures from our last 2-some vacation.
Bird's-eye view of 25 weeks and 5 days:
The many faces of Gianfrancesco:
26 weeks preggers (and the only pics I have with my MJ sunglasses before someone stole them):
We met up with our friend Luca for a day
27 weeks
28 weeks and I feel really huge!
Bird's-eye view of 25 weeks and 5 days:
The many faces of Gianfrancesco:
26 weeks preggers (and the only pics I have with my MJ sunglasses before someone stole them):
We met up with our friend Luca for a day
27 weeks
28 weeks and I feel really huge!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
On a diet!
I had my baby appointment today, and we actually scheduled our last 2 pregnant appointments and our first post natal appointment. Isn't that crazy? I have a feeling this last trimester is going to fly by. September is my month to get everything in order and buy all the necessities.
Anyways, last appointment my doctor told me I needed to eat more sugar, this appointment he told me I gained too much weight (I gained 7 pounds in 5 weeks!), but overall I have gained 11 pounds...in 25 weeks of pregnancy). 7 pounds in 5 weeks is scary, right? I don't know what's normal, but my doctor thinks it's too much and put me on a diet. I must admit that most pregnant women in Italy are really slim with just a basketball, so I guess doctors here are more strict about weight gain. Now I am super nervous about the rest of my pregnancy, afraid that I am going to gain 30 pounds in my last 3 months if I continue at this rate. I am kinda bummed today but trying to focus on the positive: the baby is happy, healthy, and kicking! He was sleeping at the appointment with his arms crossed over his face covering his eyes (which is how I fall asleep, too, and my mom), So we could only see his mouth and nose. His nose looks like Gian's!
Also, the doctor told me I am drinking too much water, according to my urine sample. I've never heard that before!
Ok this is for real the last post before we leave for vacation!
Ciao!
Anyways, last appointment my doctor told me I needed to eat more sugar, this appointment he told me I gained too much weight (I gained 7 pounds in 5 weeks!), but overall I have gained 11 pounds...in 25 weeks of pregnancy). 7 pounds in 5 weeks is scary, right? I don't know what's normal, but my doctor thinks it's too much and put me on a diet. I must admit that most pregnant women in Italy are really slim with just a basketball, so I guess doctors here are more strict about weight gain. Now I am super nervous about the rest of my pregnancy, afraid that I am going to gain 30 pounds in my last 3 months if I continue at this rate. I am kinda bummed today but trying to focus on the positive: the baby is happy, healthy, and kicking! He was sleeping at the appointment with his arms crossed over his face covering his eyes (which is how I fall asleep, too, and my mom), So we could only see his mouth and nose. His nose looks like Gian's!
Also, the doctor told me I am drinking too much water, according to my urine sample. I've never heard that before!
Ok this is for real the last post before we leave for vacation!
Ciao!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
25 weeks!
Okay so maybe a string bikini was too much?
Things currently on my mind:
1. I think constantly about how bizarre it is that I have a penis floating inside my belly. Or that I am growing a penis inside of me at all. Isn't it so weird when you think about it like that?
2. As I slowly inch closer to the due date, I am growing more and more terrified (TERRIFIED) about giving birth. I keep having these visions of me freaking out right before it's time to push and saying NO, NO, NOOOOOO I don't want to do this anymore!!!! Literally having visions of this moment all the time.
3. I am also afraid I won't know how to wash my baby, since he is a boy. Know what I mean?
4. I am getting so excited about holding the baby and just am the most impatient pregnant person in the world.
5. I am about to go on a 2 week beach vacation with Gian, just us two against the WORLD! Last trip just us two for a while :) This will be the last post until we come back!
6. We still can't decide on a name.
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